For those of you who have been reading the Equitable Mediation Services blog, you've most likely seen an article or two on the importance of remembering your parental role during divorce and/or mediation proceedings. Sure it's tough to remember that you are the adults and that your children are counting on you to behave that way but it's something we remind mediation participants of every step of the way. Divorce is an adult conversation yet the smallest players don't even have a seat at the table and are least able to represent themselves and their needs when it matters most. The good news is there may be a glimmer of hope in all of this as it seems other parts of the country are trying to follow what we've been preaching along: children must come first during divorce cases.

From an article in last week's Grand Rapids Press, it seems that the Kent County courts are trying a new approach to divorces involving children. The courts will be making some language and procedural changes to ensure that children come first during divorce proceedings and that the adversarial nature of divorce is reduced. For example, instead of using words like plaintiff and defendant, the terms mother and father have been swapped in to the proceedings. And prior to entering the courtroom, the parties have to write out a proposed parenting plan to explain how they will share the care of the children post-divorce. These changes, among others, are all designed to take the focus away from the conflict and put it squarely back where it belongs: on the children.

And while yes, some of these changes may be symbolic and there are some that do not believe that it will help all that much, I would tend to disagree. As a NJ divorce mediator I see it all the time in my practice where bringing it back to the children can reduce stress and conflict and get the focus back where it belongs. Taking care of the children post-mediation is about more than just how much money the NJ Child Support Guidelines tell a parent they have to pay. It's about your role as a parent moving forward and making smart choices to ensure that your children will know you are going to be there, even after life as they know it changes. It's about your chance to define your role as a parent, not just as an ex-spouse. It's about making sure they have a seat at the table even when they are not there and can't speak up for themselves and express, their needs, wants and fears.

Which brings me to my point. During divorce mediation sessions, we already do all of these things and more that the courts in Kent County are trying to do. We work with parents to ensure that a proper parenting plan is in place and that each parent is comfortable with their role both emotionally and financially. We work through some of the tough issues that lead to post-divorce conflict to make sure your mediation sessions end up generating an agreement you can both live with moving forward as well as try to teach you some skills that you can use as you work together to raise your children. You've heard me talk about the many benefits of mediation and improving the chances your children will grow up to lead well-adjusted lives is just one of them.

Joseph F. Dillon is the founder of Equitable Mediation Services, a New Jersey based mediation practice that serves clients in Somerset, Mercer, Middlesex and Hunterdon counties. The practice was founded as an alternative to the high cost and high stress that is often associated with attorney-driven divorces. All mediation sessions are strictly confidential and handled with the compassion that such an emotional time deserves.

Mr. Dillon can be contacted by phone at (908)864-2177 or or Visit Web Site