Divorce Humor

When we divorced we shared the house 50 / 50. She got the inside...I got the outside ! - Submitted by Bill

Every time I find Mr Right my husband scares him away. - Submitted by Nancy Albers

The inherent downside in a life of pursuing women is the possibility of inadvertently catching one. - Submitted anonymously

Marriage is a strange phenomenon that happens to human beings. And the best part is, both the unmarried and the married are unhappy, though for radically opposite reasons, one for not being married, and the other for being married - author unknown

Marriage is a three ring circus. An engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffer-ring.- Submitted by Brian Seabold

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." - Submitted by Lois Misiewicz

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. - Submitted by Lois Misiewicz

Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay interest. - Submitted by Joseph Cox

The secret of a successful marriage is incompatibility. He has the income, you have the patibility. - Submitted by Joseph Cox

When a husband's words are sharp, it may be from trying to get them in edgeways. - Submitted by Joseph Cox

My ex was a heart surgeon. She ripped my heart out. - Submitted by Chaz Schlueter

If love is blind and marriage is an institution, then marriage is an institution for the blind. - Submitted by Bill Daugherty

When people who don't yet know I'm divorced ask, "where is your other half", I reply, "she got it in the divorce settlement". - Submitted by anonymous

Marriage,five minutes to get in and a lifetime to get out of. - Submitted by cabriloboy

A dietitian was addressing a large audience in Chicago: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous to some and none of us realize the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake." - Submitted by Lois Misiewicz

A man tells his wife of 15 years that it feels like they've only been married for 5 minutes the wife says that's so sweet and he says yeah 5 minutes under water. - Submitted anonymously

My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends. - Submitted anonymously

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free. - Submitted anonymously

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog - you know he'll shut up when he comes in. - Submitted by Jim Hercules

A cop tries to pull over a guy for speeding who tries to outrun him. Finally the guy gives up and pulls over. The now PO'd cop walks up and yells at the guy, "What's the big idea?" The guy responds, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," he said, "and I was afraid he was trying to give her back!" "Off you go," said the officer. - Submitted by Jim Hercules

"My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't". - Submitted anonymously

"Marriage" Requires commitment to an institution - see "insanity" - Submitted anonymously

The happiest time in a man's life is that period of time between his first and second marriage. The problem is ... he doesn't realize it, until the second marriage! - Submitted by Tim Culbert

"I Will" is the shortest sentence in the English language..."I Do" is the longest - Submitted by Mike Agan

The secret to successful investing for retirement is to keep your first wife!!! - Submitted anonymously

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. - Submitted anonymously

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Submitted anonymously

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. - Submitted anonymously

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. - Submitted anonymously

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. - Submitted anonymously

I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's been giving me lately! - Submitted by Lois Misiewicz

A 98 year old man and a 95 year old woman went to a lawyer to get a divorce."How long have you been married?" he asked. "75 rough and rocky years," they said. "Then, why have you waited so long to file for divorce?" They replied, "We had to wait for the kids to die!" - Submitted by Max Holt

"I bought my ex a gift for her birthday, but she didn't use it so I'm not going to get her another." "What did you get her?" " A cemetery plot!" - Submitted anonymously

Make love, not war. --Hell, do both, get married! - Unknown

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." - Rita Rudner

Have you heard of the new divorced Barbie doll? - She comes with all of Ken's stuff - Submitted anonymously

Marriage is like a cold; you come down with one; you get better; and you hope you never get another - Submitted anonymously

Ex-es, Can't live with them, can't leave the court house with them. - Submitted anonymously

"Congratulations, my boy!" said the uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life." "But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," the groom protested. "I know," replied the uncle. "That's what I mean." - Submitted by Lois Misiewicz

The only difference between marriage and prison is that at least prisoners occasionally get to finish a sentence. - Submitted by Rick Friedling

I didn't get married until I was 37. By then I had done all the things I wanted to do, seen all the things I wanted to see, been to all the places I wished to visit. But I didn't know what real happiness was until I got married. Then it was too late! - Barry S. Wilson

Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to exercise daily, have a much better diet stop drinking, smoking. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market. Now I want a divorce, because I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough or me. - Submitted by Lois Misiewicz

Marriage is the only war which you sleep with the enemy. - Submitted by Lois Misiewicz

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. - Submitted by Lois Misiewicz

The definition of alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got! - Submitted by "G" Petersen

A woman sits down next to an attractive man on a bus. She says "you look just like my 4th husband". The man replies, "Your FOURTH husband, how many times have you been married?" "Three" the woman replies.- Submitted by Jeff Poirier

Marriage is a great institution, but only if you like being institutionalized - Submitted by Michael Nanney

Divorce is like passing a kidney stone. It hurts like hell, takes what seems forever to pass, results in an enormous bill, and men will always think they have something great to show for it when they get to keep the worthless stone. - Mary Godwin

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. - Submitted anonymously

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative. - Submitted anonymously

I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my wife to the airport. - Submitted anonymously

My wife and I were happy for twenty years...then we met. - Submitted anonymously

What did the co-dependent wife say to her husband when she woke up in the morning? How am I going to feel today? - Submitted anonymously

One woman says to another, "Isn't your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other woman replies, "Why, yes, it is. I married the wrong man"! - Submitted by Christina Cedre'

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice". - Submitted by Ree Larkin

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. - Submitted by Ree Larkin

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." - Submitted by Ree Larkin

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied "A billionaire." - Submitted by Ree Larkin

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. - Submitted by Ree Larkin

An ex-spouse is like an inflamed appendix, they cause a lot of pain and suffering, but after it's removed you find you didn't need it anyway! - Submitted anonymously

Whenever I date a guy I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?" - Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret - Henny Youngman

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have. - Woody Allen

I think - therefore I'm single - Lizz Winstead

I never married because there was no need. I have 3 pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli

My wife ran off with my best friend and I really miss him.- Contributed by David S. Goldberg

Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to! - Contributed by David S. Goldberg

Statistics show that married men live longer than single men, but they are more willing to die - Contributed by David S. Goldberg

I was married by a Judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

Marriage, the leading cause of divorce. - Paul Brigante

Alimony, a Latin term for removing a man's wallet through his genitals. - Robin Williams

When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they don't understand one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to. - Helen Rowland

Marriage is grand and divorce is about 10 grand. - Unknown

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence. - Unknown

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. - A conversation between Lady Astor and Winston Churchill

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." - Unknown

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. - Albert Einstein

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

She was a great housekeeper, too. When we divorced, she kept the house. - Unknown

Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. - Unknown

A couple were being interviewed on their Golden Wedding Anniversary. "In all that time -- did you ever consider divorce?" they were asked. "Oh, no, not divorce," one said. "Murder sometimes, but never divorce." - Unknown

Why do married men gain weight while single men don't? A single man goes to the refrigerator, sees nothing that he wants, and goes to bed. A married man goes to bed, sees nothing he wants, and goes to the refrigerator. - Unknown

It's not true that married men live longer than single men.... It only seems longer. - Unknown

Scientist have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called Wedding Cake. - Unknown

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. - Lewis Grizzard

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?" The Manager replied, "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ....and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00". "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95"? Dad asked surprised. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture." - Unknown

Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. - Unknown

Marriage is great, but I wouldn't recommend it to single people. - Paul Brigante