Cheaters and Infidelity: What To Look For, What To Do
Copyright 2007, Keith L. Walker, Discovery Services Private Investigators
Suspicion of infidelity is a horrible thing.
It can cause insecurity, anxiety, fear, sleeplessness, depression, and can occupy your thoughts and mind all hours of the day and night. You begin to speculate: What did I do to drive him/her them away? Did I love him/her them enough? Did I smother him/her? Will I ever trust him/her again? Will our relationship ever be the same? What does the other person have that I don't? After a while your health can suffer and your performance at work can suffer.
And then it starts to affect others. Your children can become aware that something is wrong with Mommy and Daddy, and they too can feel insecurity, anxiety, fear, sleeplessness, and they too will begin to speculate.
Infidelity hurts the whole family, especially innocent children. And it destroys the safety and sanctity your home.
I have been a private investigator for over fifteen years and have conducted many domestic investigations, performed many background checks, and conducted many, many hours of surveillance. Throughout the years, I have become sensitive to the red flags that may indicative that someone in a relationship was being unfaithful.
Also, please note that I am not an attorney and am not providing legal advice. When in doubt, check with your attorney or other legal advisor -especially in matters regarding your partner's privacy.
So, let me share with you number of subtle (and not-so-subtle) clues that you should be aware of, if you suspect that your partner is being unfaithful. While none of these "red flags" automatically mean you are being deceived, they should be regarded as possible indicators of deceit, to determine if further investigation is warranted.
Usually, the thing that will tip you off is a change in behavior. So, let's look at just a few of the behaviors that you might observe, if your loved one was being unfaithful:
Behavior At Home: Your partner or spouse
Again, let me reiterate that these behaviors are only indicators of infidelity and are not absolutes.
Some cheaters are very deceitful and can cover their tracks superbly. They may become more attentive in an effort to compensate for the fact that their attentions are going elsewhere. They behave like "model" parents in an effort to alleviate their guilt. They can juggle the extra-marital relationship, while tending to the marriage in a seemingly flawless way. They may also have friends that will help them to get out of the house or provide alibis for the cheater. These are the people who are the hardest to catch, and the ones who cause the most pain when they are finally caught.
These constitute even more reason to consider retaining the services of a professional investigator.When You Begin to suspect, just observe -don't accuse:
If, after some consideration, you begin to have suspicions then don't accuse, but just observe.
If you accuse your partner and are mistaken, you risk causing unnecessary and irreparable damage to your relationship damage that may take a lot of time to recover from. And, even if you are correct, it's quite possible that your spouse/partner will be able to explain their behavior in a manner that's sufficient to cause you raise reasonable doubt. And, because they are now aware that you are suspicions, they will be even more careful and more guarded, making it much more difficult for you to determine the truth.
If you become suspicious, don't treat the cheater any differently and don't interfere. Now is the time for careful observation, and not for anger. The cheater will eventually be found out, so it's important to be patient, observant, and to make note of patterns of behavior.
After some patient observation you'll probably be able to provide a great deal of helpful information to a professional investigator, so that the investigator can obtain the evidence and documentation you need. Make note of information such as: the most likely days/times when your partner may be misbehaving, places your partner alleges to frequent, people with whom your partner alleges to keep company.
The more information you have (regardless of whether you think it's important or not), the greater the likelihood an investigator can determine the truth and do it in the most cost-effective manner.A final word of caution:
If you think a spouse or partner is misbehaving while you're out of town, you may consider pretending to plan a trip out of town, in order to conduct your own surveillance and confirm your suspicions.
You should be discouraged from doing this is because if your suspicions are confirmed, your emotions may cause you to react in a manner that is counter-productive. Emotions can make all us behave in a reactionary way, and at moments like this, it's vitally important to keep a cool head. So, if this idea still appeals to you, consider having a private investigator conduct surveillance during this time.Absolutely certain your spouse/partner -IS- cheating?
Once you've observed your spouse or partner for a sufficient amount of time, you may eventually feel that it is necessary to confront him/her your spouse.How do you handle it? .
If your intention is to file for divorce if your suspicion is confirmed, then first seek the counsel of an attorney. It is important to understand your options before you decide to confront him/her. Find out about how to protect yourself financially, and get an understanding of the laws regarding child custody and support.
If you feel you absolutely must confront the alleged cheater, make sure to do so at a time when he/she is not rushed or running late. You want them to have time to speak with you. You don't want them to have a reason to leave the room/house. Don't ask while he/she is driving and of course: don't ask while children are present.
Before you actually confront them, ask simple, non-invasive questions to get an idea of their general attitude and willingness to talk in general. You will do this for the same reason that a person operating a polygraph machine might: to establish an idea of their "baseline". So, for example, ask what they want for breakfast, or they have planned for the day or anything else that they can respond to easily. Then just observe their general behavior.Once you finally confront the person, you'll need to carefully observe their behavior.
You can expect him/her to be defensive. They may become evasive and reply with something like, "What makes you think that?" (trying to see where they'd slipped up). Or, they get indignant, "Why on earth would you say such a thing?" or "I'm offended that you would say such a thing!".
Often, innocent people will respond directly by saying, "Yes" or "No". They are more likely to respond to your inquiry directly, kindly and patiently. They are more likely to show that they are willing to discuss your concerns and to address those things that caused you to doubt in the first place. Cheaters are generally very uncomfortable about addressing the issue and may "explode" and become very defensive and angry.
When confronting them, if may help to inquire about specific occasions when you -know- for certain what the truth is, so you can see if they are lying. This is where a private investigators documentation and report can come in handy because they can provide undeniable truth that can reveal their lies and deceits.Finally: Do not resort to violence
I cannot stress this enough. Criminal charges and possible jail time will cause you to suffer and will keep you from making sure the cheater gets what they deserve.
If you are the victim of a cheater, then you will probably have some very important decisions to make. So, the first step is always to determine the unbiased, objective truth.
To make sure that you know the truth, consider retaining the services of a professional investigator. They have the experience to deal with these matters objectively and clear-headedly. They also have the equipment necessary to obtain the proof you'll need in case you go to court.
And if you have an attorney, your investigator should work with them to make sure that their combined efforts focus on making sure you reap the maximum benefit.
If your spouse or partner is cheating on you, it forces you into making some very important decisions. The decisions are not only about your own future, but also about your children's future as well.
We make our best decisions when we know the truth and understand the reality of things. The decisions may not be easy, but they are still the best decisions we can make.
Keith L. Walker is the director/lead investigator of Discovery Services Private Investigators in Springfield Massachusetts. He is a licensed private investigator with over 15 years of experience.
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