When you win you often lose in divorce

I was reading “Cutting for Stone” by Abraham Verghese when I came across this text…. “When you win, you often lose, that’s just a fact” and I couldn’t help but think how true that is when it comes to divorce!

It seems like the headlines are filled with statements like so and so wins landmark divorce payout or someone “wins big” over their ex in a divorce. Everybody has heard the story about it costing $1000 in attorney fees to fight over who will get the $200 painting. It’s not a rational mind that would engage in that battle. But then again divorce isn’t a rational time. Feeling like you have to win financially is bad, but it isn’t really what I’m talking about here.

I’m talking about the emotional battle that spouses wage against each other. There are so many emotions involved in divorce – fear, resentment, betrayal, anger. These often lead to a desire to get even (aka “win”)

Before you engage in a war with your spouse stop and ask yourself this question Will the emotional price I pay be worth it in the end? If there are children involved what will be the emotional price they pay for your need to win?

My feeling is that there isn’t anything worth battling over if the children are going to suffer the wounds of that battle.

Getting divorced is not a game or competition to be “won”. The reality is that nobody wins in a divorce- not the woman, not the man and most certainly not the children.

“Winning” may feel for the moment but I can assure you down the road when the dust settles you will look back and realize you didn’t actually “win” anything.

Take the high road, work it out and get on with your life. You, your ex and most importantly your children will be happier in the end.

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One Response to When you win you often lose in divorce

  1. MaryJane says:

    Been there, done that. Good advice! It’s a hard and expensive lesson to learn.

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