DIVORCE HQ Newsletter #49

Issue #50

February 2007

Know someone else going through the divorce process?
If you think they could benefit from this newsletter feel free to pass it on in its entirety to them.

"Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others."
- Jacob M. Braude

Don't forget to mention DivorceHQ.com when contacting the divorce professionals listed on the site.

In This Issue:

"Collaborative Divorce"
When Your Children Are With The Other Parent
by Diana Mercer, Attorney-Mediator and Marsha Kline Pruett, Ph.D. ©Copyright 2006
Read All About It!
Divorce Humor
New Attorney, Mediator and Divorce Services Members.

1. "Collaborative Divorce"

Collaborative divorce takes place outside of the courts. It often involves attorneys and a team of specialists.,Depending upon the situation there may be financial experts, child psychologist and divorce coaches who guide the couples to allow them to tailor educated decisions for themselves and their families. The collaborative process can be especially helpful to those couples with a family business to split.

The Collaborative Process started in Minnesota in 1990 in the Twin Cities' area with an initial group of four family-law lawyers. Since then, it has spread across the United States and Canada.

There are many advantages to using an attorney that practices Collaborative Divorce Law. The process is usually less time consuming and more cost effective than going through the adversarial system. The Collaborative Process uses a team approach to reaching a settlement. Both parties to the divorce are supported by their lawyers; however, they work cooperatively with their spouse. The process is much less fear and anxiety producing than using court proceedings or the threat of court proceedings. When the threat of going to court is out of the picture, it is easier to focus on reaching a settlement. When a settlement is reached amicably, it feels much more like a 'win-win' situation. In the Collaborative Process, there is a parity of payment to each attorney so that neither party's representation is deprived by lack of funds.

The Collaborative Process uses informal discussions and conferences attended by both spouses and their attorneys to settle all issues. The Collaborative Process relies on an atmosphere of honesty, cooperation, integrity, and professionalism. It requires that both spouses, with the assistance of their attorneys, provide all pertinent documents and information relating to the issues to be settled. In the event that experts are necessary, it encourages the use of jointly retained experts. Both spouses and attorneys are required to work together toward a shared resolution that is geared toward the future well being of the family.

If the parties cannot reach a settlement through the collaborative process approach, the collaborative lawyers withdraw from the case and the parties are free to retain trial attorneys to pursue the matter in court.

The collaborative process is not right for every case. The decision of whether or not your case is appropriate for the collaborative law process must be discussed with the attorney you select. If you wish to consider the collaborative law process for your divorce, consult with an attorney trained and educated in this specific area before you decide how to proceed in your case.

It takes a strong commitment on both sides to be honest and open in exchanging information, but if you and your spouse can agree to use the collaborative process, it is a viable alternative to divorce litigation.

To see a list of attorneys that practice collaborative divorce go to: divorcehq.com/collaborative.html

2. When Your Children Are With The Other Parent
by Diana Mercer, Attorney-Mediator and Marsha Kline Pruett, Ph.D. ©Copyright 2006

When we write about divorce and children switching homes, most of the time the focus is on the children: what it is like for them and how to help them make smooth transitions. We forget to address the needs of the parents who are left alone at home in an empty house once the children are gone. We forget that it is often harder for the parents being left behind than it is for the children who are going to the other parent's house. It may be difficult for you when your children leave for the other parent's home for a variety of reasons: you may feel lonely, you may miss the children, you may be jealous of circumstances in the other home (a new family, a larger home, etc.), or you may not like your spouse and wish the children didn't have to be with him or her at all.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for your children is help yourself cope better. Then you can free up your energy to really focus on what your children need. And you will be less likely to impose on them your own concerns and negative feelings.

Here are some things to do or think about:

Before the kids leave, make your own plans for the time they are away, especially on weekends and on holidays. Weekends and evenings tend to be the loneliest time for single parents. During the day you can keep yourself busy with work, housework, whatever. Try to schedule time with family or friends. If none are available, or you don't feel like being with people right now, make plans to do something you love to do…take a hike, read a good book in the tub, rent a movie you have always wanted to see.
Plan to spend some time with people you really enjoy or love. It reminds you that you ARE connected, you are not alone, and it helps you keep all the parts of your world functioning.
Treat yourself so you have something to look forward to while they are away. Buy tickets for a show, even if it is expensive. Join a gym and work out during those times. Go to a nice dinner, alone if that's not too lonely for you, or with others. But make the time without your children special time for you.
Remind yourself that it is usually in your children's interests to have relationships with both parents. Even if one or both of those relationships are far from perfect, children inherit genes from two parents, and they like to find the best sides of each parent. After all, those are their best sides too.
Trust your children. If you don't quite trust your spouse to do right by your kids, trust that your kids will make the best of it and be able to see the other side when they are old enough to understand more about people, and about their parents as people. Trust that your children will tell you if things don't seem comfortable or safe. If they won't talk to you because they don't want to put you in the middle or take sides, arrange to have your children spend time with another trusted person (an aunt, a teen they adore, a neighbor). Encourage your children to talk to that person when they have concerns, and be clear with that person that you don't want to hear every little complaint. It may feed your ego to hear about the rough spots in the children's relationship with their other parent, but it can also drive you crazy. But tell your child's confidante that you definitely want to hear about things that are worrisome.
Let go of your need to control every aspect of your children's lives. As a parent, you will find, with every passing day, less that you can control. The best we can do for our kids is to teach them good judgment, values, and decision making skills, and hope they apply them when needed. Maybe you don't like her new husband, or his new stepson, but don't focus on things you can't do much about. Maybe you hate the idea that your children are commuting between homes. That is a consequence of the choice to divorce. Your children will handle it better if you refrain from joining them in the complaints, and work on making it as simple and non-conflictual between parents as possible.
Some things you can control. Have the phone numbers of where your children will be - at the other house and anywhere they visit for extended periods of time. Call sparingly, but enough to reassure yourself and hear their voices. Encourage them to call you, and give them a pre-paid phone card if the call to your home is long distance.
At the moment of transition, try to be organized. Have brief, warm and loving good-byes, not long languishing ones. The good-byes set up a comfortable feeling for all of you while you are away. They are important to the time away. The message you need to convey is that the children will be fine, this is a good thing for them to do, and that you are fine too. They shouldn't have to worry about you, which they will, if they see you fighting back tears, or if they know or suspect you will be very lonely. Filling your time, especially at first, isn't always easy, but the sooner you do it, the sooner you will be on the path to a new life.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Diana Mercer, Attorney-Mediator, founder of Peace Talks Mediation Services in Los Angeles and the co-author of Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce,(Fireside 2001). Ms. Mercer's office is located at 8055 W. Manchester Ave., Suite 201 in Playa del Rey CA 90293

She can be contacted by phone at (310) 301-2100 or or Visit Web Site

3. Read All About It!

Should You Stay or Should You Go?

Considering Leaving Your Relationship?

Want to make sure you're making the right decision? Discover a powerful new process that will help you decide what's right for you.

For all online books including this one go to: DivorceHQ.com/onlinebooks.html

4. Humor

90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.
10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.
- Unknown

5. Welcome to the following new
Attorneys, Mediators, Therapist/Counselors and Divorce Services members.

Arizona
Attorneys
Hildebrand Law, P.C. - Phoenix
California
Accountants
Forensic Accounting Offices of Cathleen Collinsworth - Irvine
Attorneys
Family Law Center - Sacramento
Law Offices of B J Fadem, P.C. - San Jose
Divorce Planners
Forensic Accounting Offices of Cathleen Collinsworth - Irvine
Financial Planners
Forensic Accounting Offices of Cathleen Collinsworth - Irvine
Mediators
Family Law Center - Sacramento
Florida
Attorneys
Law Office of Dennis J. Plews - Sarasota
Law Office of Richard C. Griesinger - Palm Harbor
Law Offices of Joseph F. Pippen, Jr. & Associates - Largo
Illinois
Attorneys
Blake & Allen, P.C. - Belleville
Law Office of Isabel M. Millard - Oakbrook Terrace
Mediators
Law Office of Isabel M. Millard - Oakbrook Terrace
Indiana
Mediators
C.E.L. and Associates - Libertyville
Kansas
Attorneys
Barbara E. Hecht, P.C. - Kansas City
Maine
Attorneys
Law Offices of Nancy L. Morin, LLC - Brunswick
Maryland
Attorneys
Caplan Mediation - Towson
Meiselman & Helfant, LLC - Rockville
Thyden, Gross & Callahan - Chevy Chase
Mediators
Caplan Mediation - Towson
Meiselman & Helfant, LLC - Rockville
Massachusetts
Attorneys
Fields and Dennis LLP - Wellesley
Mediators
Priscilla Mahoney, Mediator - Rockland
Ronald E. Zagaja, MSW, LICSW, BCD - North Andover
Law Office of Attorney Ann Quilty - Braintree
Michigan
Attorneys
Garmo & Gartner, PLLC - Pleasant Ridge
Minnesota
Attorneys
Brown Law Offices, LLC - Champlin
Ulanowski Law Firm, P.L.L.C. - Maple Grove
Nevada
Attorneys
Hanratty Roberts Law Group - Las Vegas
New Jersey
Attorneys
Puglisi & Sherwood LLC - Wyckoff
Kelly Kelly & Marotta - Maywood
Mediators
Puglisi & Sherwood LLC - Wyckoff
Kelly Kelly & Marotta - Maywood
Divorce Mediators NJ - Princeton
Alpha Center for Divorce Mediation - Doylestown
New York
Attorneys
Keith, Shapiro & Ford - Garden City
Lang Berman & Lebit, P.C. - Garden City
The Law Offices of Amelie Kraus, PLLC - New York
Wedeen & Kavanagh - New York
Mediators
Andrea J. Coleman, Esq. - New York
Pennsylvania
Attorneys
Law Office of Dawne A. Casselle - Allentown
Mediators
Alpha Center for Divorce Mediation - Doylestown
Rhode Island
Mediators
Eleanor Brown, J.D. - Providence
Texas
Attorneys
Law Office of Lisa M. VanAuken - Bellaire
Patricia L. Summers - Fort Worth
Washington
Attorneys
Law Offices of Jason S. Newcombe - Seattle

To find an ATTORNEY in your state go to: www.divorcehq.com/attydir.html

To find a MEDIATOR in your state go to: www.divorcehq.com/mediatordir.html

To find OTHER DIVORCE RELATED SERVICES such as Family counselors and Therapist, Divorce Planners, Financial Planners, Paralegals and Accountants go to: www.divorcehq.com/servicedir.html

To find Collaborative Organization in your state go to: www.divorcehq.com/collaborative_orgs.shtml

To find a SUPPORT GROUP in your state go to: www.divorcehq.com/spprtgroups.html

Remember, we are not attorneys, therefore we can not answer legal questions. If you have a legal question, visit our Attorney, Mediator or Service Directories for the appropriate professional in your state.