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DIVORCE HEADQUARTERS NEWSLETTER Issue #40, April 2004 Know someone else going through the process? If you think they could benefit from this newsletter feel free to pass it on in it's entirety to them. Our happiness or our unhappiness depends far more on the way we meet the events of life than on the nature of those events themselves. ... Wilhelm Von Humboldt ... In this Issue:
1. Have a Child Support Order and Been Recently Activated? From the U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services: Administration for Children and Families Have a Child Support Order and Been Recently Activated? Protect Your Children and Yourself Contact your State Child Support agency as soon as possible:
Information can be obtained from state child support enforcement agencies at http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cse/extinf.htm#exta OCSE Information Memorandum (IM)-01-09 at http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cse/pol/IM/im-01-09.htm and from DOD at https://www.jagcnet.army.mil/Legal under "Family Law Matters." 2. Why Do Married People Have Affairs? by Diane Neumann, J.D., M.A. Since January first of 1981 (my first day of practice as a divorce mediator), rarely does a working day go by without a client mentioning an affair. I don't hear about an affair. Sitting at my round mediation table with the divorcing couple, I listen as an angry spouse bitterly condemns the betrayal of their partner. Simultaneously, I notice the heavy silence from the one who's had (or having) the affair. Rarely are there protestations of innocence nor are any reasons offered to the inevitable questions hurled by their spouse. I sit and wonder, wanting to know how I can help. I want to know what causes a married spouse to have an affair. Carol's Story: Recently, a friend of mine, Carol, visited me in Boston. We had dinner at one of those quaint, outside restaurants on Newbury Street. Well-dressed passers-by and new lovers provided our backdrop. I told Carol of my interest in knowing why married men and women have affairs. Carol coughed politely and squirmed. I waited to hear what she had to say. Carol told me her story. Ten years earlier, when she was thirty-nine, "My husband was ignoring me. Not big-time, mind you, but we'd been married for a while, and other things had his attention, especially those damn TV sports. It started to bother me a lot. I read the right books, even tried to liven things up, you know, candlelight dinners, sexy lingerie, and all. I even saw a therapist." She looked at me, chagrined. "Funny, huh? See, I didn't want a divorce, I just wanted Sam to change, but he didn't. His baseball-watching drove me crazy. One day I went to a friend's 40th birthday party. Sam had begged off, and I was irritated enough to go alone. Let him have his game. This guy stared at me right away. Anyway, all night long he paid a lot of attention to me. As I was leaving, Richard asked for my number. I felt scared, but I was excited when I gave it to him. Two days later he called me. We started sleeping together right away. It was great, but it ended in a short while. I was afraid of getting caught. He was so sweet. One night, what else is new, Sam had his TV game on watching a baseball game, of course. I was in the kitchen cleaning up when I heard Richard's voice. It startled me--hearing his voice. I waited for the camera to focus on the speaker, and, sure enough, it was Richard. I sat down and watched the rest of the game. Sam kept looking over at me, like I'd lost my mind, but, true to character, he never mentioned it." I shook my head, "That's a great story, Carol." She smiled and reached for my hand. "You never know how people will respond, you know?" I smiled back. "To this day, I have a soft spot in my heart for baseball games. In fact, more than once, Sam has shaken his head over my refusal to watch any other sport. Actually, Sam and I have gotten along a little better since Richard." THE PRIMARY REASON For married men, having an affair has always been somewhat tolerated (though Clinton may yet change that). Today, almost as many married women as married men are having affairs. Why do wives and husbands have affairs? Rarely is there a single reason why a person has an affair, rather, there are a multitude of reasons. Take my friend, Carol, for example. She said that she had an affair because she wanted more attention from her husband, however, if you spoke with her husband, Sam, he would tell you that she was the one who was distancing from him. The factors that Carol didn't mention, though they came through loud and clear in her story, were that she wanted some excitement in her life, that her self-esteem was in need of a lift, and lo and behold, she was forty-two and, as she acknowledges now in retrospect, she was going through a mid-life crisis. And it would be naive to assume that revenge was not a factor in Carol's choice of a partner for her affair. Though reasons for an affair are many, often they can be identified, generally, there is one primary reason. This primary reason may not be easily discernible, especially if that reason feels inappropriate to the person. For example, Carol might give excitement or attention as reasons for an affair, but she would avoid mentioning her low self-esteem. I know that when I mentioned the word, "revenge" as a possible motive, she became defensive and a little angry. "I told you that I didn't know what he did for a living until we were already involved." But coincidences do often speak for themselves. Here is a woman who is jealous of her husband's devotion to sports, specifically baseball, and she sleeps with a TV baseball announcer! In order to understand the reasons a married person has an affair, it helps to understand the man or woman, however, as with any cause and effect dynamic, generalizations may still be made. Factors which make it difficult to know the real reasons are that all of us like to think that we're doing things for a reason which makes sense. An affair has two possible directions: one, the affair continues, or two, the affair ends. The possibilities encountered on either path are whether or not the spouse knows of the adultery and whether or not the marital relationship ends. For the full the online version of Ms. Neumann's article including Divorcing couples and the different kinds of affairs go to:http://www.divorcehq.com/articles/affairs.html ABOUT THE AUTHOR Diane Neumann is the founder of Divorce Mediation Services, a dedicated divorce mediation firm, loctaed in Newton Massachusetts. She is a nationally renowned divorce mediator, author and trainer. 3. Read All About It If you have child support issues you may want to check out this book. Remember, child support collection is NOT a gender issue. "Deadbeats: What Responsible Parents Need to Know about Collecting Child Support" by Simone Spence Synopsis In a perfect world, all parents would be happy to provide for the needs of their own children. But the sad reality is that 75 percent of custodial parents and their children never receive the child support they have been awarded and rightfully deserve. "Deadbeats" is a simple, step-by-step guide for custodial parents who are determined to make their absent counterparts pay the child support they owe, but are overwhelmed by the system of family law. It provides the legal research and advice that will enable parents to get the money their child deserves without hiring a lawyer, or to test the knowledge and competence of the lawyer they already have. In addition, this book offers straightforward, honest advice on dealing with the emotional turmoil caused by child support evasion. "Deadbeats" arms all responsible, custodial parents, male or female, with the information they need to take control of their child support situation. The Internet is an outstanding source to find books on a wide range of divorce topics. We have searched the Internet for you and have come up with a diversified collection of books that may help you through this trying time. These books are for men, women and children. There are books for each stage from beginning the divorce to recovery. Take a look. http://www.divorcehq.com/divorcebooks.html If you are interested in books that you can download directly from the Internet, we have found those for you as well. http://www.divorcehq.com/onlinebooks.html 4. HUMOR Wife: "I want to know if I have grounds for a divorce." Lawyer: "Are you married?" Wife: "Yes, of course." Lawyer: "Then you have grounds." - author unknown A young woman is divorced after only a few years of marriage, and it is not long before her friends begin to ask her if she is thinking of marrying again. Right now, "no," the young woman answers "I've hardly begun to enjoy using the remote control." - Unknown |
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