DIVORCE HEADQUARTERS NEWSLETTER       Issue #39,     February 2004 Know someone else going through the process? If you think they could benefit from this newsletter feel free to pass it on in it's entirety to them. Letting Go Flower petals let go. As spring wind softly blows. Fluttering gracefully to the ground below. Nature's lesson on "letting go". - Myoriah Lucas In this Issue: Letting Go Divorce and the Workplace     Dr. J.P. Morgan, CDP, CDS Read All About It Divorce Humor 1. Letting Go When I saw the poem above, written by Myoriah Lucas, I knew I had to share it with our readers. The author says "I hope that my poem will help people to let go as they go through a divorce or even after the divorce is final. Going through divorce is a process of letting go. Instead of blossoms it is the letting go of dreams. It is realizing that things will never be the same." Only recently, six years after my divorce was finalized, did I realize just how raw my emotions were, not only during the divorce, but after the ordeal was over as well. Letting go can often be the hardest part of the divorce process. When a marriage ends both parties are without doubt left feeling bruised and most likely angry, bitter, resentful and feeling like a failure. It's hard to let go of the strong emotional ties that remain from the dissolved relationship. It's tough, but something that has to be done if future relationships are going to be successful. As the saying goes, "time heals all wounds." Take the time to heal. It will be one of the best investments you will make in your future. 2. Divorce and the Workplace         Dr. J.P. Morgan, CDP, CDS Employee Assistance Programs (EAP) have grown in number and scope since their inception, when some large companies established alcohol-related programs for their top management. Now there are even employee programs available just to explain worker's benefits, such as drug and alcohol treatment protocol. Today counselors are often provided to handle both job and family related problems that cause stress. Ostensibly this work/life benefit is offered for mental health reasons but, in reality, improved worker productivity is probably a key reason for such programs. Regardless of the reason, many workers could expect some counseling to help them through the psychological problems that normally accompany a divorce. There is an aspect of divorce, however, that can contribute to their stress, and it is overlooked most of the time - namely surprise financial consequences, one of which is directly related to the job. What might go through the mind of a worker when he or she learns that their Defined Benefit Retirement Plan, with no cash value does have a current value? These future benefits can be divided now, as a property settlement, via a lump sum transfer of another asset, equal to the non participating spouse's share of the marital portion of the entire benefit. This revelation might even cause the wage earner to consider quitting his job before the divorce is final rather than following this legal procedure. There are some other potential surprises awaiting the divorcing employee that could affect their on the job productivity now, or later. For instance, tax implications triggered by the front loading of alimony, and Child Contingency Regulations, are often not mentioned by attorneys because they are not trained in accounting and wisely refrain from giving such advise in order to avoid liability issues. An unexpected thousand dollar, or more, tax liability can take a toll on the human psyche. Health benefits, real estate property, and even social security issues should also be discussed. Rather than suggest that counselors, or an EPA, be equipped to address specific divorce questions that can cause stress, the likelihood that there could be some unforeseen financial consequences associated with a divorce should at least be put on the table. It might also be helpful to alert a divorcing employee to the existence of professionals such as Certified Divorce Financial Analysts, and Certified Divorce Specialists who could be helpful in this type of situation. ABOUT THE AUTHOR Dr. J.P. Morgan initially became a Certified Divorce Planner (CDP) to help insure his daughter's financial future after the breakup of her 16-year marriage. He went on to become a Certified Divorce Planner (CDP) and now can help others. He offers help both long distance and in person, providing personalized spreadsheets and graphs developed objectively from data retrieved from Financial Affidavits so his clients can choose the settlement best for them. 3. Read All About It Following the theme of letting go I thought you might find these books helpful in the letting go process. How to Heal a Painful Relationship: And if Necessary, How to Part as Friends Bill Ferguson This is the book that was featured on Oprah. In this unique book, you will learn, step-by-step, how to remove conflict and restore love in any relationship. You will learn what creates love and what destroys it. You will discover how to end the cycle of conflict, heal hurt, release resentment, resolve issues and restore your peace of mind. You will discover something about yourself and your relationships that will change your life forever. Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life Abigail Trafford A fully revised and updated edition of the essential guide for men and women moving through the turmoil of divorce. A common-sense, compassionate, human book about the crazy process that more than half of us go through. This should be required reading with all marriage licenses. Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and how to Live through the Ending of Yours Daphne Rose Kingma, Marianne Williamson In this "bible for break-ups," Daphne Rose Kingma has helped thousands of people deal with the often shocking and always heartbreaking end of a relationship. The new edition of this book, which launched both the author and Conari Press, contains invaluable insights from 25 years of counseling. Gently and wisely, Kingma encourages people to understand why the relationship ended in order to apply these lessons to the next real and lasting love. Coming Apart offers an in-depth look at why we choose people who are wrong for us and how to avoid repeating bad choices. http://www.divorcehq.com/divorcebooks.html If you are interested in books that you can download directly from the Internet, we have found those for you as well. http://www.divorcehq.com/onlinebooks.html 4. HUMOR How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free. - Submitted by Stu Corbin * * * * * * I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's been giving me lately! -Unknown.