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DIVORCE HEADQUARTERS NEWSLETTER Issue #25 July 2002

Know someone else going through the process? If you think they could benefit from this newsletter feel free to pass it on in it's entirety to them.

"Live so that when your children think of fairness and integrity, they think of you."
- H. Jackson Brown,Jr.

Don't forget to mention DivorceHQ.com when contacting the divorce professionals listed on the site.

In this Issue:

Think Before You Speak
Children of Dissolution -
by John A. Patti, Esquire
Divorce Humor

1.Think Before You Speak

While reading the newspaper the other day I came upon a letter written to Dear Abby by a person whose parent's divorced when they were 7. Here's a snippet from that letter.

"...My parents divorced when I was 7. I was crushed. What made it worse was my mother constantly bad-mouthing my father. He wasn't perfect by any means, but he is a good man and he loves me. Whenever I was with my mother, she made me feel guilty for loving him. It was as if I were doing something wrong and should feel ashamed. (My father never spoke ill of my mother, and now that I am an adult, I respect him for it.)

Abby, a person who berates a child's mother or father causes the child emotional pain."

Listen to what this person is saying. Now, many years later, they still remember the bad things said by one parent about the other. That emotional pain will stay with them for a very long time. Lucky for this person they were able to work through it and not harbor animosity towards the maligned parent. In fact they have a special respect for the maligned parent.

Think before you speak. Those harsh words you are about to say will stay with your child for a very long time, and maybe not in the way you want them too.

The following is an excerpt from an article submitted by one of our professional members. For full text of all articles visit http://Divorcehq.com/articles.html

2. Children of Dissolution -
John A. Patti, Esquire

One of the most difficult obstacles to overcome as a matrimonial practitioner is to bear witness to the children of the divorce. Even in the most simple divorce case, where both parties are amicable towards one another, children are deeply affected. While some children display their feelings with anger others withdraw themselves from social activities, produce bad school grades or display a lack of attention. There is no question that children whose parents are seeking a divorce are scarred by the proceedings no matter how fair and pleasant their parents are to one another during the proceedings. It is my belief that children simply cannot understand life without a mom and dad in the same house. It is also my belief that children may refuse to understand that one parent is bad while the other parent is good. Unfortunately, it is often the case in a divorce matter that children are manipulated and used as pawns. While no seasoned matrimonial practitioner would use a child as a pawn, for they understand the long term implications of such use, I have seen some very descent clients resort to some very regrettable tactics. First and foremost, parents must understand that their children do not bargain for divorce. They are born into a marriage and they expect that their parents will be together forever. So the idea of a divorce is unthinkable.

I believe there are certain things that help ease the pain and burden a child will suffer while their parents go through the divorce process. I always counsel my clients that no matter how venomous they feel towards their spouse, that they should never, ever voice their contempt of the other spouse to the children. When a spouse attacks the other spouse in front of the children, they chip and deteriorate the child's foundation and beliefs. Recently I was involved in a case where both clients engaged in child warfare tactics, each parent put down one another in front of the children. In fact, the other spouse's in-laws chimed in with their thoughts of their soon to be ex-son-in-law. Needless to say, the children were greatly affected and as of the penning of this article, the children are in therapy. I was very saddened to hear that the children had been so adversely affected, but at the same time always felt helpless due to the fact that each continued to deny ever engaging in such tactics. However, the proof was in the children's behavior and need for therapy which shows that each parent bore the blame for the children's present condition.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

John A. Patti possess the academic credentials, strong community ties, and is passionately committed to the pursuit of excellence, communication and the demonstration of the strictest personal and professional ethics as well as the utmost concern for his clients.

3. HUMOR

Both of my marriages have been disappointing. My first wife left me and my second one didn't.
-- Source Unknown