DIVORCE HEADQUARTERS NEWSLETTER       Issue #5,     November 2000 In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on. - Robert Frost The holiday season is upon us. For many people going through a divorce the holidays are dreaded instead of enjoyed. The reality is that it will not be the same as it was when you were together with your ex. If you know that and accept it you will find that the holidays are not as bad as you anticipate. Here are a few suggestions to help make it easier: Try to maintain some of your old traditions. If you have children consistency is one of the things that will help them through your divorce. That doesn't mean you should do everything exactly the same, but try to carry over one or two of the special things your family did when you were all together. Start new traditions of your own. There is not a law that says Thanksgiving dinner must be eaten on the third Thursday of November. If you have children that you won't be seeing on Thanksgiving plan a special feast on another day. Proclaim your own "Thanksgiving" holiday. Don't have a one-person pity party. Spend time with the people you like and care about. Accept that invitation to a friend or co-workers home. If they didn't want you there they wouldn't have invited you. Do you know other people that are in your situation? Why not invite a few of them to get together. Do some volunteer work. Visit a hospital or nursing home, serve meals to the homeless. Help make the holiday better for someone less fortunate than you. You will feel good about yourself and you will have helped someone else have a better holiday. Accept that it's ok to be alone on a holiday if that is what you really want. We have this notion that holidays have to be spent with crowds of people around us. Do something special for yourself, cook yourself your favorite meal, listen to your favorite music. Spending some quiet time alone, without the hustle and bustle can be a refreshing change. Enjoy your holiday, however you spend it. In this Issue: Anger Management Suing Your Spouse     by Maury D. Beaulier, Esquire Litigate or Mediate     by Roz Zinner, LCSW-C Divorce Humor 1. Anger Management Anger is probably one of the more common feelings associated with divorce. Whether you are the angry one or are dealing with an angry (ex) spouse, it's never easy. Anger often builds up without our even knowing it. According to Dr. Jack Sarmanian, of the New York Alternative Assistance Program, here are a few tips on heading off anger: Leave the situation. Go outside, take a walk, sprint. If you can't leave the situation do not stay in the argument. Nothing is going to be solved during the height of an incident. Don't surrender your private sense of control over the situation. Remind yourself: intellect over emotion. Be aware of preexisting tensions that could burst into flame with a minor spark. Do not waste your time arguing about piddly stuff. Get real with your expectations. Be aware that many fights are caused by disappointed expectations. Is what you were expecting practical or realistic? If you are on the other side of the situation, up against an angry person do not react to what being said. Don't answer the charges. Maintain eye contact. Appeal for calm but don't patronize. Talk softly. If you feel as if you are in any danger leave. If you are having problems dealing with anger, seek out help. Talk to a friend, relative or counselor. Don't let anger control your life. The following are excerpts from articles submitted by our professional members. For full text of the article visit http://Divorcehq.com/articles.html 2. Suing Your Spouse               by Maury D. Beaulier, Esquire In any divorce case, there is usually a division of assets and a determination of each person's responsibility for debts. Most states, are considered 'marital property' states. This means that any asset acquired and any debt incurred during the marriage is the asset or debt of both parties. THE MARITAL ESTATE In a divorce, the parties divide up what is called the 'Marital Estate.' The marital estate includes any assets or debts that were acquired during the marriage. Each spouse is generally deemed to have an equal interest in marital assets or debts. This true no matter how the property is titled or held and no matter which spouse's job paid for the asset or which party incurred the debt. That means the marital estate includes a 401K account or a credit card debt that is in your spouse's name alone. In fact, marital property is inclusive and encompasses 401K plans, stock plans, stock options, real estate, frequent flier entitlements, bank account proceeds, couches, chairs, cars, utility debts, credit card debts and any other form of asset or liability. Essentially, the law views marriage as a civil partnership with many of the characteristics of a business partnership. When you join a business general partnership, each partner has an equal interest in the ownership of the business and is exposed equally to the liabilities of the partnership. This is true even if one partner incurs the debt on behalf of the partnership or one partner performs all the work making the partnership a more valuable asset. Where there are property disputes in divorce, many courts and Judges are not particularly fond of hearing those issues. This particularly true when the dispute involves assets that are primarily household furnishings. As a result, courts often ender very unsatisfactory Orders related to the division of household furnishings. In fact, in one memorable case, the Judge gave one spouse half of the dining room table and half the chairs and the other spouse the other half. In the end, the judge stated, 'if you don't like what I did here, you will go out in the hall and find a better solution.' This is certainly an aberration and not the norm. However, it does underscore the Court's general dislike in dealing with property issues. There are any number of ways to creatively divide household furnishings and personal property when disputes occur. In some cases, the parties may make a list and alternately choose an asset. In other cases, parties may bid on each item of property and the highest bidder both receives the asset and has that value credited to him or her as part of the property division. This may result in an payment from one spouse to the other to equalize the value of the assets received by each. In yet other cases, the one party may create two lists of assets and the second party then has first choice which list and assets he/she will receive. Mediation is always a potential option for such divisions. For full the version of Mr. Beaulier's article including general rules for non-marital assets, losing non marital value, co-mingling, tracing non-marital value and real estate go to: http://www.divorcehq.com/articles/suingyourspouse.html ABOUT THE AUTHOR Maury D. Beaulier is the founder of The Beaulier Law Office which has developed a large and active family law practice dedicated to providing each family law client with detailed information about every element of their case. He can be contacted by phone at (952)746-2153 or or Visit Web Site 3. LITIGATE or MEDIATE               by Roz Zinner, LCSW-C Remember the time your Dad insisted on pulling out your loose tooth before it was ready? That pain probably pales in comparison to how you felt when you realized your marriage was over. One of the next thoughts most people have is to find a lawyer. You may be unaware of an alternative, divorce mediation. This is a time-limited, confidential process in which both you and your spouse meet with a neutral third person who helps you decide on the division of parenting responsibilities, where your children will live, how decisions will be made, and the financial issues of property and support. In many, but not all cases, mediation yields a more satisfactory resolution than an extended legal battle. How do you know which is right for you and in the "best interests" of your children? While every case is unique, here are some broad guidelines:   Choose litigation when: There is a history or current threat of violence in the family. You cannot talk or negotiate freely if you fear for your safety. Animosity between you and your spouse is so great you could not sit in the same room together. If being together triggers severe migraines, better to leave the direct communication to an attorney. Your partner refuses to disclose financial information. Good faith negotiation cannot occur if one person is withholding vital information. You or your partner is unwilling to discuss, even with a third person, the choices available. Your partner is unlikely to keep regular appointments.   Choose mediation when: You are most concerned about your children's well being. Research shows that when there is less parental conflict during and after the divorce, children adjust more easily and are more likely to meet their potential as they reach adulthood. You are considering joint or shared custody. Mediators are trained to write detailed agreements covering a wide range of issues and situations. Despite intense hurt or anger, you want to keep the process as civil and peaceful as possible. Mediation offers an opportunity to improve and keep the lines of communication open for future cooperation as parents. You are unable to spend thousands of dollars in court costs and lawyers' fees. You want to maintain some control and dignity during a very difficult time. During a separation your self-esteem can get pretty battered. The winner/loser mentality of the litigation process often aggravates those feelings. Mediation, on the other hand, rests on the premise that each person has legitimate concerns. If you are still are unsure which way to proceed, consider consulting with both a mediator and an attorney. Some professionals offer free initial consultations. Ask questions about the procedure, time frame, costs, payment method, the percentage of cases they successfully settle, other consultants you would need. Remember that you can stop mediation at any time and hire a lawyer to litigate. Or, if you've started working with a lawyer, you can shift to mediation, then return to a lawyer for legal advice and filing your mediated agreement with the court. ABOUT THE AUTHOR Ms. Zinner is a licensed clinical social worker, member of the Academy of Family Mediators, and has been counseling families for 25 years. She is the Executive Director of Divorce and Family Mediation Services with offices in Glen Burnie and Columbia, and is affiliated with Arundel Psychotherapy Associates. 4. HUMOR Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.       *       *       *       *       *       * The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said,"I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"