DIVORCE HEADQUARTERS NEWSLETTER       Issue #2,     August 2000 Have you seen our new look? We have updated our home page and have added many new features including a page devoted to divorce issues in the news. Next month we are adding a new page with information on how to collect child support from deadbeats. We have also improved the functionality of the site by adding a site map (a page where all the topics are listed by category) and a site search where you can enter a word or a phrase and find the pages that it is located on. It works just like a search engine except that is strictly for this site. Check it out! Divorce Headquarters continues to grow every day. Part of the reason for our growth is through word of mouth (or mouse) of our visitors. If you know someone who could use the information in this newsletter feel free to pass it on to them. We have also included a "Tell a Friend" link on all our pages, where you can e-mail a friend a link to the site and add a personal message. Please take a moment to visit our attorney & mediator directories. You will see that we have added quite a few new members. In this Issue: What to Do? What not to Do? Joint Physical Custody: Smart Solution or Problematic Plan?     by Roz Zinner, LCSW-C Reality TV Takes on Divorce-Update Divorce Humor Survey Results "When you throw mud at someone, remember you are the one who is losing ground." 1. WHAT TO DO? WHAT NOT TO DO? Before getting into a mud slinging episode keep this in mind... This is an extremely turbulent and emotional time. As such you may find yourself thinking and doing things that you would not normally do. The most devoted of parents have been known to put their children in the middle. Often times you will hear somebody say, "I just don't know this person anymore" about somebody in the process of a divorce. They are right. Most people do go through some sort of metamorphosis during their divorce. We tend to be much more emotional and rash in our decision making. It's part of the process that we must watch very carefully. Try to always think before you act. What will be the effect of today's action tomorrow? Here are a few examples: DON'T put your children in the middle of your divorce. The divorce is between you and your spouse. The children are innocent victims. DO show them the love and attention they deserve. Make sure that they know they are not the reason for the divorce. DON'T stop the children from seeing your (ex)spouse during their scheduled visitation time because he/she owes you money. DO try to resolve the matter with your (ex)spouse. If the two of you can't resolve the problem then contact your attorney to find out what legal actions you can take. For more info on Do's & Don't's visit http://www.divorcehq.com/dodont.html 2. Joint Physical Custody: Smart Solution or Problematic Plan?               by Roz Zinner, LCSW-C Q. My husband and I are separated, and he has our kids at his apartment every other weekend. Just when things seemed a little less crazy, he announced he wanted joint custody. What should I do? A. Don't panic. First, find out whether he wants to share legal custody or physical custody. In either case, it could be a positive move. Whether it works for you and your children depends on several factors we'll describe. What are the advantages of joint custody? Living in both households allows children to maintain a strong relationship with both parents. Children benefit when parental relations are cooperative and there are no ongoing custody battles. Children in shared physical custody have "normal time" with both parents. Joint physical custody may lessen or eliminate the traumatic sense of loss and rejection children often feel when a parent moves out. Children may benefit materially. What are the disadvantages of shared custody? Children's daily lives can resemble Ping-Pong balls. The "bounce" syndrome is compounded when each child's developmental, educational, and social needs are not considered. The psychological impact may be a sense of lack of control and chaos in a child's life. Expenses are greater in maintaining two full residences. When parents have unresolved marital issues, the demands of sharing physical custody can make things worse. Ms. Zinner goes into greater detail about the advantages and disadvantages of joint physical custody. Her article also includes: The differences between legal and physical custody What factors should be used in deciding whether joint physical custody will work When shared custody works best How you can develop a fair agreement For full text version of Ms. Zinner's article visit http://www.divorcehq.com/articles/jointcustody.html http://www.divorcehq.com/articles/jointcustody.html ABOUT THE AUTHOR Ms. Zinner is a licensed clinical social worker, member of the Academy of Family Mediators, and has been counseling families for 25 years. She is the Executive Director of Divorce and Family Mediation Services with offices in Glen Burnie and Columbia, and is affiliated with Arundel Psychotherapy Associates. Recommended Reading If you have children then custody issues are likely to be one of the most stressful part of your divorce. There are many books available on our Divorce Books page. Take a look! http://www.divorcehq.com/divorcebooks.html 3. REALITY TV TAKES ON DIVORCE - Update In our last newsletter we told you about the reality based show"I Want a Divorce". The New York Post reported on August 12, 2000 that Roseanne has been meeting with studio executives pitching a new show described as a cross between "Divorce Court and Let's Make a Deal". The concept of the show is that Roseanne would be an arbitrator for married couples that have already decided to divorce. According to press reports the still un-named show is only in "the preliminary talk stages". Not to be left out of the reality TV phenomenon, the Fox network is currently working on a special for next season called "Divorce Me!" As always we will keep you informed of any new developments. 4. HUMOR Whenever I date a guy I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?" - Rita Rudner